Fyodor Dostoevsky, author of Crime and Punishment and the Brothers Karamazov, once said that “[t]o love

Matt Rollins

someone means to see him as God intended him to be”. If you pause for a moment and consider the implications of a statement like that, you might be a little overwhelmed. A statement like this is hard to put into practice. This is the case because it is easier to see the outcome of someone’s life instead of the person they were intended to be, and reconciling the two is difficult indeed. If you’ve ever read a book and then watched the movie, you’ve probably experienced a little bit of what Dostoevsky is getting at. Chances are, the movie was a flop compared to the book. The reason is simple: the reality of the movie is never as good as your imagination. The book is the way the author intended you to experience it; the movie is the rather unfortunate outcome of someone else’s design (who, by the way, is usually not the author). And yet we all know that it is much easier to watch the movie than to read the book.

It has been the teen ministry that has taught me much about love, especially in regards to Dostoevsky’s perspective. We all know that our high school years are fraught with imperfections (peer pressure, gossip, popularity contests, fashion worries, insecurity, and, of course, acne). We also know that no matter what stage of life we’re in, it’s very easy to lose sight of the big picture and focus on the minutia. It’s difficult to see that our life has more to it than the time we spend at school, or work, or whatever might dominate our schedule. And especially as a teen, it’s hard to grasp the fact that we are pursuing our faith as a life-long career that naturally has its ups and downs. It is much easier to see our failure today for just that – a failure – than to look at it as an opportunity for growth. It stands to reason then that for the majority of our high school career, we face an enormous amount of negativity, and that negativity becomes all we see. Naturally, it has an effect on the person God intended us to be.

I’m convinced that the way we ought to see one another is as God intended us to be. When a teen who is navigating through the oft-painful teenage years expresses their regret for struggling in their purity, I am much more impressed by their declaration of regret than frustrated at their shortcoming. That’s because the (seemingly) small external step of openness mirrors an immense step internally that is committed to being faithful and fighting the deceptions of sin at school. When someone who is trying to be faithful admits to stumbling off the path, it isn’t the job of the ones who are walking straight to scorn them; they ought instead to pick them up and carry them until the weakness is gone (Galatians 6). The stumbling man knows they’re stumbling; it does no good to rub it in. I would much rather just stick out my hand and offer my help than hammer in the fact that they need it.

I am reminded of a particular moment in my childhood. I was fortunate to have a loving mother who was, for better or worse, my number one fan. As a kid I decided, as many of us do, to play soccer. Without a doubt, I was the worst soccer player on the team. I never scored a goal, hardly touched the ball, and had a very embarrassing tendency to trip over my own feet. My coach, who in retrospect was not a very good coach, benched those of us who he deemed inadequate. We were probably five years old. One particular game comes to mind: we were playing the Walnut Creek Hotwheels, it was very hot, and we were losing by six goals. Most of the parents weren’t watching closely, as the game was lost beyond all hope, and so the coach decided to let us misfits run around on the field. At one point, probably for maybe the second or third time that season, I touched the ball. And I more than touched it, I actually kicked it. I kicked it wide of the goal, and it went out of bounds, and I managed to trip and fall on the ground.

But from the stands I heard my mother, hollering encouragement at me, clapping her hands, grinning wide, and basically working up a sweat saying how proud she was of her little boy. She was the only one cheering in the whole audience.

That sticks with me because I wasn’t at that moment being compared to anyone. She was cheering for me just because I was me. As I’ve spent more and more time with the teenagers of this church, the more I’ve realized that I want to imitate my mother in regards to them. I might opt for a more subtle version of cheering than my mother did, but I’m determined to applaud the “small” victories that each person achieves, because the “small” victories are in reality anything but small in their life. We need to cheer these “small” victories, as my mother did for me. Because that’s love. And love is grace. Grace means approval. And we know that we can show nothing but approval for the way that God intended each of us to be, because he intended each of us to be perfect.

“To love someone means to see him as God intended him to be.” Certainly, God’s intentions for us are difficult to live up to. But God is the perfect optimist, and after some time spent in the teen ministry, I’ve realized that I need to follow suit. Thank you to the teens for this invaluable lesson!

By Greg Vaughn

Rule 6: Stick to One subject

If you are on feel on the defense during a fight, it can be easy for you to switch subjects or flip the tables on your spouse.  When we feel defensive, the flight or fight instinct can kick in. If you do not run, then you feel the need to go on the attack. One must fight these feelings and allow our selves to be humbled and in a vulnerable state. If the goal of a fight is resolution and behavioral change, then we must keep it to one subject.   By sticking to one subject you can limit the scope of the argument and keep to the facts. This will also lessen the emotional involvement and allow the both of you to be objective.  By having more than one subject, you will not come to a happy end in your fight. It is easy for us in the heat of anger to bring up things in the past. We can easily say that everything is ok, yet keep a running list of past wrongs. This only serves to weaken your relationship with both your spouse but also with God. It will continually feed the fight and allow it to rage on with no end in sight.

Rule 7: No “Fishing” Leave the past alone

It is important to leave previous fights alone. If one continually brings up past fights, one will begin to feel that they have not been forgiven. It may be a cliché, but it is true we must learn to forgive and forget. How would you feel if someone continually reminded of your past infractions? Does Satan not do this enough to you? He is called the Great Accuser, after all.

If we turn over past issues and hurt to God, He will help you get past the past. For example, Joseph was able to move on beyond his time in Egypt. In Genesis he says:

Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh and said, “It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household.”
(Genesis 41:50-52)

Fishing refers to our ability to bait people into anger or bringing up a past issue. My wife and I think of “fishing” as poking at our triggers. For example if my wife wants me to do the dishes more, I might say “but you’re the one that ate all the ice cream” If you feel that there are unresolved issues left over from previous incidences, now is not the time to bring it up. Wait until another time, when you both are calm, to bring up unresolved issues.

Rule 8: Be mature

13Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way Romans 14:13

This becomes a stumbling block for her.

“Exercise foresight and be on the watch to look [after one another], to see that no one falls back from and fails to secure God’s grace (His unmerited favor and spiritual blessing), in order that no root of resentment (rancor, bitterness, or hatred) shoots forth and causes trouble and bitter torment, and the many become contaminated and defiled by it” (Hebrews 12:15 Amplified Bible)

One should not seek out to make your spouse angrier by pushing their buttons. If you know something that will bug them, refrain from doing it. The same goes when you roll your eyes or give a dirty look (As well as name calling, cursing, noises/sounds or using a mocking tone).

Instead of focusing on the issue, you will spur their anger and cause them to struggle with your lack of interest and disrespect. This is an immature way to deal with a disagreement. Remember that we must focus on the goal of reconciliation with our spouse.

Rule 9: Share, Don’t Accuse

This has been the biggest thing to help our communication.  By using a statement such as “When you did this, it made me feel ____” It has allowed us to share how we feel in response to an action by our spouse. It allows us to validate our emotions with not putting the blame on the other person. When my wife tells me she feels hurt by my actions, I can see the repercussions of my actions and not feel blamed for them. Both partners may need to say this to each other. Many times there is a chain reaction that leads to many hurt feelings. By following this statement you can reconstruct how you got tot that point.

One needs to realize that feelings are not invalid. For example: If you were to find out that during a routine exam, your child had an inoperable disease and would die soon. You mostly likely would feel angry, sad, and despondent. Later that day, you receive a call from your doctor that says the files were mixed up and that your child is fine. Does this invalidate your feelings of sadness, since the tests were wrong? No, the feelings are still valid, the actions of the doctor were wrong.

When you say I feel something, it must be followed by a feeling. Saying “I feel like you are being a jerk” is not an appropriate use of this tool. You can reword it to say “When you react that way, I feel disrespected”. What is the difference? The first is stooping to your spouse’s level; the second is a more righteous way of stating your feelings.

If you are having a hard time indentifying an emotion, you can resort to the list of the five base emotions. Many psychologists agree that most if not all emotions stem from one of these five base emotions. They are mad, sad, glad, embarrassed and fearful.

Rule 10:  Mutual Respect

9Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

When one is fighting it is easy to throw out the rules of listening. Your spouse may bring up things that you feel is incorrect and needs an immediate correction. So you begin to formulate what you are going to say in response, instead of giving them your complete attention. This can lead your spouse to believe you are not listening and that you do not care about their feelings or them. This scripture calls us to be patient in affliction. Another cliché that proves true is it does not matter who is right but who is righteous. This scripture calls us to be devoted to each other. This includes the times when you are fighting. It is very disrespectful to your spouse if you are not making eye contact, or if you are distracted.

In the heat of the moment it is easy for us to try to manipulate the fight into our favor. We do this by belittling the other, dismissing their feelings or try to change the situation into our favor. We can begin to interrupt the other or put words into their mouth. For me, I key on certain words, so I believe that is what my spouse has said. It is easy for me to think she said something that just was not said, because I was not fully engaged in listening.

Rule 11: Time and Place Matter

Be cognizant of your surroundings. The mall may not be the best place to have a heated discussion. I know for my self, I like to take care of things right then and there. Yet your spouse may need to cry or go pray. It is ok to hold off on discussing things until you are in a better location, or time.

Ecclesiastes 3:7 states “a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak”

Conclusion:

By working on the little things we have mentioned my hope is that there the big things are diminished. At the end of our fights, we always state the decision or direction, or what caused the argument, (not allowing it to continue) and tell each what we will try to work on so that this doesn’t happen again. For example “I will try not to jump to conclusions when you ask me to do the dishes. This allows both of you to come away with want you want each other to work on, or even better start with your self.

Disagreements are a natural course of being married. Each of are two individual with their own opinions, feelings and experiences. By following these rules, the hope is that your fights will lead to a more open and fair communication style. Please do not be afraid to fight. By avoiding fighting about the small stuff, you will only let things simmer and then you will fight about the big things. I hope this has shown you that the word fight does not need to have a bad connotation and that one can have a fight, get what they want and still have a harmonious relationship at the end.

By Greg Vaughn

Rule 3: Look behind the words, so that you do not react to the wrong issue

It is easy for us to react to the word or tone used when in a fight. If your spouse rolls their eyes or says something in a tone you do like, it can be easy for you to focus on this instead of the real issues at hand. When one is upset, one does not always choose the appropriate words. Again it is easy to get side tracked on the words used and not the real issue.

This goes for the one who is expressing anger.  Much of communication is not what we communicate, but how we communicate it. Tone, body language and expressions play an important part in what is received by the other person.

Rule 4: Ask for clarification and restate the issue.

There have been many fights started because I have misheard my wife or assumed something that was not true. Your spouse will appreciate you, if you simply ask what they said. For me, I have poor hearing in my left ear, so I tell my spouse, “I heard blank, Is that what you said?” This way I am also restating the conversation so that there is no mistake.

Another common mistake I used to make with my wife is assuming since we talked about something, we decided on it. For example, we often talk about our plans for the weekend.  Yet when Saturday rolls around, I assume that what we had discussed is what we are doing. My wife will say that we had not decided, but only discussed it. One should never assume the intentions of your spouse. If you do not know of what has been decide, ask. When you restate things, try to be as specific as possible. It is amazing how many fights start because of little details.

If you aspire to see where the other person is coming from and seek to understand their point of view, then the both of you can come to a mutual agreement.    You can accomplish this by two ways. They both involve active listening skills. They are asking for clarification, such as are you talking about (blank) or by asking “Is this what you are asking?” By asking for clarification or restating her quest you are making sure the two of you are on the same page. By understanding their point, you will go a long ways to diffusing a tense situation

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” Romans 12:9-21

This scripture commands us to be patient with each other. This means it may take a few times for each of you to see the other’s view. You may not agree but you will understand where they are coming from. You can then validate their experience; such as “I can see how you would come to that conclusion” This takes gentleness and kindness not to appear condescending.

Your spouse may have to take a few tries to get what they are saying, correct. One needs to look behind the words and not react to the wrong issue, if at first it does not come out right. You two can laugh about it later.  It is good to too much communication as opposed to too little.

Rule 5: No absolutes or inflammatory words

When faced with a disagreement, the goal should not be to be right, but to be righteous in your opinion. The term for this is call called sore winner. You won the argument by  browbeating your spouse into submission to get your point across.  This will only lead to heartache and hardship. Using absolutes such as: “You always” “We never” and “You’re totally” is not only humiliating but it is also lying. For example, If you told your husband, “You never pick up your socks”, You are declaring that not once in your married life has he done that. This can make him feel like there is no pleasing you. It can be aggravating to the spouse, because they are being accused of not being good enough for you. It can be easy for some of us to assume the worst. Your spouse may say I would like it if you did the dishes more often. We must be patient and humble while they express this. You may be tempted to think “I do them all the time, they are ungrateful”. When in reality your spouse is asking you to wash off the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher.

In our minds it may seem that your spouse never does what you ask, yet if you take a step back and look at it, there is always something to compliment them on or be encouraged about. They do the dishes maybe not as often as you like, and this is ok to bring up, but refrain from using the using the words “You always”,” We never” and “You’re totally” This will only serve to antagonize your spouse.

If you are the spouse doing the asking, adding kindness to your request will go along way. For the example above you may say “Sweetie, I appreciate when you the dishes, it makes me feel that you take care of things, In that spirit, can you rinse off the plates before you put them in the dishwasher”. Please be patient with them as they might not get it right the first time.