The Benefits of Teen Dating Include Growth

Certainly dating contributes to our teens’ social development and makes them more relatable to their peers.  It could be argued that for the teen disciple, it helps them to “become all things to all people (I Corinthians 9:22).”  I remember a single sister in San Diego who worked with a lot of other single men and women at a local newspaper.  Monday mornings her co-workers made a b-line to her desk to hear about her weekend.  She had by far the most consistent, fun-filled, interesting dates of any of them:  flying kites at the beach, painting tiny watercolors of a sunset and exchanging their masterpieces as mementos of the evening, group jigsaw puzzle contests, in-line skating and coffee house concerts.  She never had stories of melodramatic fights, or hang-overs, or shame.  She never had to apologize for limiting her dating to the church fellowship of which she was part because her friends envied the carefree, fun single-hood she enjoyed and many came out to church with her for that very reason.
With proper guidance, dating among disciples can help develop conversational skills, expand their fashion awareness with a modesty quotient, build their confidence in interacting with the opposite sex, and provide a lot of good, clean fun!  It also builds memories of happy, normal teen years that they’ll share with their own children one day.

The Dangers of Teen Dating Demand Caution

All the benefits of teen dating can be overshadowed in an instant by a dating experience that produces guilt, secrecy, and shame.  We won’t sensationalize this article with details about Jamie Lynn Spears, current pg-13 movie fare, or projections about STD’s, unwanted pregnancies, date rapes, or abortions.  Nevertheless, the world is pulling at our teens to accept perversion as “normal”.  The world glamorizes impurity and immodesty.  If our teens can grasp the contrast in worldliness and godliness, Proverbs 11:22 will make sense to them:  Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion.

Unless our children learn to be confident in setting godly boundaries for their conduct; they can find themselves vulnerable to the ridicule of the “friends” who are encouraging them to try drugs, or alcohol, or sex, or to blow off curfew, or to attend venues their parents have forbidden.  Wise parents will establish within their children the value of a good reputation.  This is not about people pleasing.  It is about being strong enough to face criticism for pleasing God.

Proverbs 22:1

A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.

It’s a jungle out there.  As parents we must keep a clear view of the standards of God in spite of our cultural indoctrination to the contrary.  Our children need to see our convictions fully formed and yet feel that we’re on their side.  They need to know we want their teen years to be fun and exciting and that we are willing to make sacrifices, but never compromises, to make it so!

The Standard of Dating Is Purity

An early morning talk show recently sponsored a contest for engaged couples to win an all-expense-paid, televised wedding and dream honeymoon.  All the finalists were on the show and they were announcing the winner the day I happened to tune in.  The emcee enthusiastically explained that all the couples had been told to come with their bags packed because the consolation prizes were trips to a romantic resort for each couple.  They were to be whisked away immediately right from the TV studio to the airport.  This prize did not involve separate accommodations, but presupposed the couple’s comfort in co-habiting.  I was (naively) shocked that a major, mainstream show so comfortably affirmed pre-marital sex.  It wasn’t a sleazy, bachelor/bachelorette show, but a mainstream sun-up show.  This is the world we live in now and these are the mores our children are encouraged to espouse.  In order to live out the standards of God, they will have to be aliens and strangers here (I Peter 2:11, 12).  How can we prepare our teens to be happy and confident walking this narrow path (Matthew 7:13, 14)?

For parents, this must not be about enforcing rules to control their purity, but about helping them develop convictions of their own to inspire their purity.  When, from their earliest years, our children learn to trust that God’s way is best for them, that God’s commands spring from His love, that we will reap what we sow and the risk is not worth it….when these godly ideals inhabit the hearts of our teens, safeguarding their purity makes sense to them.  It takes focused spiritual parenting from as early in our children’s lives as possible to help them love and trust the will of God rather than resent it or feel restricted by it.  Consider the following verses:

Psalm 119:10-11

I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you

Psalm 119:14

I rejoice in following your statutes as one rejoices in great riches.

Psalm 119:32

I run in the path of your commands for you have set my heart free.

David definitely didn’t see the Word of God as burdensome or boring or embarrassing.  Our children’s perception of God and His will is the foundation of their attitudes toward our direction regarding their life choices.  If our children respect and trust God they’ll be more inclined to accept His standards of purity.  So, from God’s perspective, how pure is pure?  I Timothy 5:1, 2 answers this question as Paul instructs the young, single evangelist, Timothy:

…Treat younger…women as sisters, with absolute purity.

This is a high calling that flies in the face of our current culture. It will take a lot of preparation in our children’s hearts before they reach the teen years to help them rise above the standards of their peers and the media.  If this preparation has not occurred, Plan B must be developed prayerfully and with much individual counsel for every family to help their teens embrace godly behaviors.

Customs and morals have changed so much since the Bible was penned that it takes true spiritual discernment to determine what godly dating should look like.  We need to keep in mind that dating is pretty much a creation of Western culture in the 20^th century.  The question we have to constantly address is what Biblical principles should we apply when creating the guidelines in our own homes regarding dating?  Here are some suggestions:

The Goal of Dating Is Friendship

This may not occur to your child unless you tell them.  In the world they live in, dating is for attention, adventure, popularity, fun, affirmation of desirability, securing a place in the social strata of their peers and, yes, sex.

If we have been conscientious in helping our children develop and value friendships, they are more likely to understand this new arena of learning to be a friend.  Most of our teens are five to ten years away from dating for the purpose of finding a mate.  While there are some touching stories of childhood sweethearts enjoying long-term marriages, it is not the norm.  When our children entertain these goals prematurely it pushes the relationship toward an intimacy inappropriate for their age.  We need to be clear with our teens that attractions are normal and there is much to be learned from their preferences to help them one day find the someone they’d like to spend their lives with, but for the time being, dating is about friendship, not about romance.  Even when they are old enough for dating to be about romance and seeking a mate, friendship is still a primary goal.  In the beautifully sensual Song of Songs, the bride describes her husband: “His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely.  This is my lover, this is my friend….(Song of Songs5:16).”  God obviously values friendship as a component of married romance.

When our oldest son, Greg, was in junior high school, there were after-school dances in the multipurpose room every Friday afternoon.  He asked to attend and we said no.  His persistence made us inquire why he wanted to go.  It was because “all his friends” did.  He said they didn’t dance, they just hung out and talked.  We finally let him go after this conversation:

“You can go, but observe carefully.  These kids aren’t mature enough to have meaningful conversations, but you will most likely see them with their arms around each other, slow dancing, and acting like lovers.  They don’t know how to be friends yet.  They’ve got the cart before the horse.”

Greg got in the car after his first and only experience with these dances and said, “That was gross!  They were all mushy and feely and then they’d chase each other around swatting and giggling.  I don’t want to marry anyone who isn’t my friend first.”  Today the strength of his and Lisa’s 21 year marriage is their friendship.

On another occasion, one of our children asked to start dating and we refused because he was not doing well in his friendships.  We explained that we couldn’t count on him to be a great friend to a date if he hadn’t learned the principles of friendship with the guys.  He needed to become initiative, unselfish, patient, fun and forgiving.  Miraculous changes occurred almost immediately in his friendships and we happily lifted the dating ban.  A wise parent will foster friendships for their children with the children of other parents espousing the same values as they do.  This increases the chances that our children will date others with the same convictions about purity that God has. As Proverbs 13:20 says: “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of foolssuffers harm.”

This insistence on “friendship dating” worked for our family for a variety of reasons:  parental unity, early conversations about dating, and an easier cultural climate. It might breed resentment in a family without the same foundation we were able to lay.  When conversations about dating, romance, love and marriage begin early enough, a child has a chance to shape their dreams and expectations with parental guidance before hormones, Hollywood and peer pressure push them headlong into near-erotic visions of romance.

Along with the gift of speech that youngsters acquire during the first several months of life, they also come with the gift of great curiosity. They ask endless questions, wanting explanations for all sorts of things that come to their attention. You usually don’t have to wonder what a young child is thinking – they most usually are talking about it.

Then comes the pre-teen, teen years, where we parents often feel like we need classes from the FBI on eliciting information from a “subject” (ie, our kid). One or few word answers become more the norm. We have to get skillful at finding out what they’re feeling, their hurts, likes, dislikes, opinions, and their joys.

From time to time it is a good idea to spend a family time together just asking questions of one another. Conversation with our kids, that is not instructive, directional, corrective should be the most common kind of conversation in our homes, but often isn’t. So, tonight, have some great conversation starters, that are open-ended – no right or wrong answers.

Be sure to have some for all ages of your kids. A steady habit of this kind of conversation hopefully will become your habit.

A few fun discussion starters might be helpful:

• “Tell about the favorite gift you ever received.”
• “Finish the sentence: I wish all people would___”
• “Tell about your favorite sport and why you like it.”
• “Tell about a time you needed courage.”
• “What is your dream car and why?”
• “Tell about your all time favorite teacher and why?”
• “What adventure would you like to experience?”
• “Which of your senses do you value the most and why?”

Be sure the adults participate fully in the evening’s discussion. Finish the evening by praying together, using things from the discussion tonight in your family prayer.

As always, be sure you end with a great treat of some sort, and perhaps an age appropriate board game.

TOPIC: FOLLOW THE LEADER

Goal:

To teach everyone in the family the important principle of discipleship and to remind parents that your children are watching and imitating you, for the good, or otherwise.

Singing:

Do it. Have fun. Get a tape of songs if you need help.

Prayer:

Have a family prayer. Praise God for His greatness and thank Him together for all his blessings on your family.

Scripture:

Teach/discuss and memorize Mark 1:17

Lesson:

Talk about how Jesus wants everyone to follow him by doing the same things He did when He was on the earth.

Play the game, “Follow the Leader”, as a fun way to help illustrate what it means to be a disciple, focusing on and imitating a leader. The head of the household should be the leader. He/she should think of both serious and crazy things to do as he leads the family around the house.

Some suggestions: (the point is, that everyone follows your lead and repeats what you do)

• walk around in a line, stop and read the Bible
• walk around and stop and give someone a hug
• walk around and stop and say, “I love you” to someone in line
• walk around and stop and then thank mom for dinner just enjoyed
• walk around, stop, stand on your head (there’s no biblical evidence Jesus ever did this)
• walk around, stop, lead a short prayer that can be followed in short phrases by the kids
• walk around, stop, role play sharing your faith
• walk around, stop, simulate helping someone do something ….. have others guess what the role player is doing

Don’t be limited by these suggestions. Expand on them. Add your own ideas and thoughts to make the devo a fun time for everyone. Discuss some key elements of being a disciple….of Jesus.

ALWAYS END WITH A PRAYER AND DELICIOUS YUMMIES!!!!!!!!!!!

Goal:

To teach the family how important and fun it is to work together as a team and how much can be accomplished when we cooperate with each other.

Singing:

Have the kids suggest the songs. Have them teach you the songs they sing in Kids Kingdom.

Prayer:

Have a family prayer, thanking God for each member.

Scripture:

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)

LESSON:

1. Help each family member learn the memory verse, Gal.6:2.
2. Have each family member write on a slip of paper a small task that they would like to have done. Put the papers in a container and shake them up. Example: Dad may request that his shoes be polished, or one of the kids may request that a broken toy be fixed, or one might ask for help to clean his/her room…..be sure each person writes out or says (if they can’t write) a task they’d like completed.
3. One by one draw out the slips and as a family, proceed to complete as many of he tasks as possible, one at a time. Each family member should be encouraged to participate in each task in some way.
4. Be very upbeat and excited as you accomplish each task. Make it fun!
5. After completing all the tasks possible, reward each worker by having hot chocolate with marshmallows together. The family head should pray, thanking God for teaching the family how important and fun it is to cooperate with each other.

Singing: Have you gotten a tape yet??

Prayer: Have a family prayer, thanking God for each member

Scripture: Philippians 2:4

Lesson:

1. Start with a fun activity that all the children will enjoy. Be prepared ahead of time by pulling out some of dad’s and mom’s old clothes. Allow the boys to dress up in their dad’s clothes and the girls to dress up in mom’s clothes. (If you’re a single parent, solicit fill ins to help you, or join another family who’s doing this family devo). Not only do you want the children to wear their mom or dad’s clothes, but you need to take on the identity of your children (wear their ball caps, put your hair in pigtails, etc.)
2. Play a game of “What If”. Pretend that the children are now the parents and vice versa. Create different situations by asking “What If” questions. For example: “What if I was being mean to my sister and not sharing? What would you do? (It would be good for the adult to act out not sharing so that the children can see how it looks). Allow the children to say what they would do as a parent to correct the problem. Take the time to have properly thought out the questions that will be appropriate for your family according to the current needs. (Other topics might be whining, disobedience, arguing, disrespect, moodiness, etc.)
3. Learn the memory verse together, Philippians 2:4 and discuss it light of this devo.
4. Be sure to have your camera, video ready. A picture of this evening will your family’s hearts 20 years from now.
5. Close with a prayer, a fun snack and a game.