Greetings,

Brian and Sara Felushko

It was eight years ago today that Sara and I (pictured at right) drove into Vancouver to lead the ministry here. In some ways it is hard to believe that 8 years have passed, yet I face the reality of the passing of those years every day (the grey hair, the wrinkles and the aching joints, but especially in my grandchildren).  But I also see it in each of you.  Some of you became Christians in those 8 years.  Some of you got married and/or had children.  Those of you who had children when we arrived in 2002, my, how they have grown!  We’ve all gotten older and hopefully wiser.

For sure, together as the VCOC family of disciples, we’ve been through our share of ups and downs in those 8 years, haven’t we?  Two completely unexpected and very tragic deaths in the first three months rocked our worlds and for some, rattled their faith.  Then came a “firestorm” that swept through every church in our fellowship.  The months that followed were tense, and often angry times.  Satan was doing his best to destroy what God had built by tempting our sinful natures with selfishness, self-righteousness, resentment, wrath.  Some demanded apologies and some, seemingly, wanted vengeance.  It was one of the most trying and faith testing times of my life to date; and I’m confident that each and every one of us who were disciples of Jesus at that time felt it deeply!

Yet, here we are today.  Satan won some victories in all our lives and he persuaded some to give up on God and/or on us as a church.  But the Vancouver church is still here and we are about to celebrate our 20th anniversary.  We’re all somewhat older and hopefully wiser and, I pray, as zealous as we’ve ever been for the glory of God!  I believe God has been working these last few years to set us up for victories like those we experienced near the beginning of the Vancouver church, when dozens were baptized into Christ and God added more than 60 souls to our number between April 1991 and September 1993!

What we all must be is men of faith – a faith that motivates, inspires, acts and sacrifices!  I believe that the third decade of this church’s young life can be our best yet for the glory of God.  Satan will try to discourage, dissuade, distract and disunify us, but if we each stand strong in the Lord and strengthen our fellowship with each other, Satan can be defeated and God can win incredible victories through us.

So here’s to the next 8 years (and beyond – Yes, I did see Toy Story on the weekend).  May we truly do all that we can individually, and collectively as brothers of the Son of Man, to bring glory to God.

“Rise up, O men of God, the church for you doth wait.  Her strength unequal to her task, rise up and make her great.  Lift high the cross of Christ; tread where his feet have trod.  As brothers of the Son of Man, rise up O men of God.”

In Christian love and fellowship,
Brian

Fyodor Dostoevsky, author of Crime and Punishment and the Brothers Karamazov, once said that “[t]o love

Matt Rollins

someone means to see him as God intended him to be”. If you pause for a moment and consider the implications of a statement like that, you might be a little overwhelmed. A statement like this is hard to put into practice. This is the case because it is easier to see the outcome of someone’s life instead of the person they were intended to be, and reconciling the two is difficult indeed. If you’ve ever read a book and then watched the movie, you’ve probably experienced a little bit of what Dostoevsky is getting at. Chances are, the movie was a flop compared to the book. The reason is simple: the reality of the movie is never as good as your imagination. The book is the way the author intended you to experience it; the movie is the rather unfortunate outcome of someone else’s design (who, by the way, is usually not the author). And yet we all know that it is much easier to watch the movie than to read the book.

It has been the teen ministry that has taught me much about love, especially in regards to Dostoevsky’s perspective. We all know that our high school years are fraught with imperfections (peer pressure, gossip, popularity contests, fashion worries, insecurity, and, of course, acne). We also know that no matter what stage of life we’re in, it’s very easy to lose sight of the big picture and focus on the minutia. It’s difficult to see that our life has more to it than the time we spend at school, or work, or whatever might dominate our schedule. And especially as a teen, it’s hard to grasp the fact that we are pursuing our faith as a life-long career that naturally has its ups and downs. It is much easier to see our failure today for just that – a failure – than to look at it as an opportunity for growth. It stands to reason then that for the majority of our high school career, we face an enormous amount of negativity, and that negativity becomes all we see. Naturally, it has an effect on the person God intended us to be.

I’m convinced that the way we ought to see one another is as God intended us to be. When a teen who is navigating through the oft-painful teenage years expresses their regret for struggling in their purity, I am much more impressed by their declaration of regret than frustrated at their shortcoming. That’s because the (seemingly) small external step of openness mirrors an immense step internally that is committed to being faithful and fighting the deceptions of sin at school. When someone who is trying to be faithful admits to stumbling off the path, it isn’t the job of the ones who are walking straight to scorn them; they ought instead to pick them up and carry them until the weakness is gone (Galatians 6). The stumbling man knows they’re stumbling; it does no good to rub it in. I would much rather just stick out my hand and offer my help than hammer in the fact that they need it.

I am reminded of a particular moment in my childhood. I was fortunate to have a loving mother who was, for better or worse, my number one fan. As a kid I decided, as many of us do, to play soccer. Without a doubt, I was the worst soccer player on the team. I never scored a goal, hardly touched the ball, and had a very embarrassing tendency to trip over my own feet. My coach, who in retrospect was not a very good coach, benched those of us who he deemed inadequate. We were probably five years old. One particular game comes to mind: we were playing the Walnut Creek Hotwheels, it was very hot, and we were losing by six goals. Most of the parents weren’t watching closely, as the game was lost beyond all hope, and so the coach decided to let us misfits run around on the field. At one point, probably for maybe the second or third time that season, I touched the ball. And I more than touched it, I actually kicked it. I kicked it wide of the goal, and it went out of bounds, and I managed to trip and fall on the ground.

But from the stands I heard my mother, hollering encouragement at me, clapping her hands, grinning wide, and basically working up a sweat saying how proud she was of her little boy. She was the only one cheering in the whole audience.

That sticks with me because I wasn’t at that moment being compared to anyone. She was cheering for me just because I was me. As I’ve spent more and more time with the teenagers of this church, the more I’ve realized that I want to imitate my mother in regards to them. I might opt for a more subtle version of cheering than my mother did, but I’m determined to applaud the “small” victories that each person achieves, because the “small” victories are in reality anything but small in their life. We need to cheer these “small” victories, as my mother did for me. Because that’s love. And love is grace. Grace means approval. And we know that we can show nothing but approval for the way that God intended each of us to be, because he intended each of us to be perfect.

“To love someone means to see him as God intended him to be.” Certainly, God’s intentions for us are difficult to live up to. But God is the perfect optimist, and after some time spent in the teen ministry, I’ve realized that I need to follow suit. Thank you to the teens for this invaluable lesson!

By Greg Vaughn

Rule 6: Stick to One subject

If you are on feel on the defense during a fight, it can be easy for you to switch subjects or flip the tables on your spouse.  When we feel defensive, the flight or fight instinct can kick in. If you do not run, then you feel the need to go on the attack. One must fight these feelings and allow our selves to be humbled and in a vulnerable state. If the goal of a fight is resolution and behavioral change, then we must keep it to one subject.   By sticking to one subject you can limit the scope of the argument and keep to the facts. This will also lessen the emotional involvement and allow the both of you to be objective.  By having more than one subject, you will not come to a happy end in your fight. It is easy for us in the heat of anger to bring up things in the past. We can easily say that everything is ok, yet keep a running list of past wrongs. This only serves to weaken your relationship with both your spouse but also with God. It will continually feed the fight and allow it to rage on with no end in sight.

Rule 7: No “Fishing” Leave the past alone

It is important to leave previous fights alone. If one continually brings up past fights, one will begin to feel that they have not been forgiven. It may be a cliché, but it is true we must learn to forgive and forget. How would you feel if someone continually reminded of your past infractions? Does Satan not do this enough to you? He is called the Great Accuser, after all.

If we turn over past issues and hurt to God, He will help you get past the past. For example, Joseph was able to move on beyond his time in Egypt. In Genesis he says:

Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh and said, “It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household.”
(Genesis 41:50-52)

Fishing refers to our ability to bait people into anger or bringing up a past issue. My wife and I think of “fishing” as poking at our triggers. For example if my wife wants me to do the dishes more, I might say “but you’re the one that ate all the ice cream” If you feel that there are unresolved issues left over from previous incidences, now is not the time to bring it up. Wait until another time, when you both are calm, to bring up unresolved issues.

Rule 8: Be mature

13Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way Romans 14:13

This becomes a stumbling block for her.

“Exercise foresight and be on the watch to look [after one another], to see that no one falls back from and fails to secure God’s grace (His unmerited favor and spiritual blessing), in order that no root of resentment (rancor, bitterness, or hatred) shoots forth and causes trouble and bitter torment, and the many become contaminated and defiled by it” (Hebrews 12:15 Amplified Bible)

One should not seek out to make your spouse angrier by pushing their buttons. If you know something that will bug them, refrain from doing it. The same goes when you roll your eyes or give a dirty look (As well as name calling, cursing, noises/sounds or using a mocking tone).

Instead of focusing on the issue, you will spur their anger and cause them to struggle with your lack of interest and disrespect. This is an immature way to deal with a disagreement. Remember that we must focus on the goal of reconciliation with our spouse.

Rule 9: Share, Don’t Accuse

This has been the biggest thing to help our communication.  By using a statement such as “When you did this, it made me feel ____” It has allowed us to share how we feel in response to an action by our spouse. It allows us to validate our emotions with not putting the blame on the other person. When my wife tells me she feels hurt by my actions, I can see the repercussions of my actions and not feel blamed for them. Both partners may need to say this to each other. Many times there is a chain reaction that leads to many hurt feelings. By following this statement you can reconstruct how you got tot that point.

One needs to realize that feelings are not invalid. For example: If you were to find out that during a routine exam, your child had an inoperable disease and would die soon. You mostly likely would feel angry, sad, and despondent. Later that day, you receive a call from your doctor that says the files were mixed up and that your child is fine. Does this invalidate your feelings of sadness, since the tests were wrong? No, the feelings are still valid, the actions of the doctor were wrong.

When you say I feel something, it must be followed by a feeling. Saying “I feel like you are being a jerk” is not an appropriate use of this tool. You can reword it to say “When you react that way, I feel disrespected”. What is the difference? The first is stooping to your spouse’s level; the second is a more righteous way of stating your feelings.

If you are having a hard time indentifying an emotion, you can resort to the list of the five base emotions. Many psychologists agree that most if not all emotions stem from one of these five base emotions. They are mad, sad, glad, embarrassed and fearful.

Rule 10:  Mutual Respect

9Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

When one is fighting it is easy to throw out the rules of listening. Your spouse may bring up things that you feel is incorrect and needs an immediate correction. So you begin to formulate what you are going to say in response, instead of giving them your complete attention. This can lead your spouse to believe you are not listening and that you do not care about their feelings or them. This scripture calls us to be patient in affliction. Another cliché that proves true is it does not matter who is right but who is righteous. This scripture calls us to be devoted to each other. This includes the times when you are fighting. It is very disrespectful to your spouse if you are not making eye contact, or if you are distracted.

In the heat of the moment it is easy for us to try to manipulate the fight into our favor. We do this by belittling the other, dismissing their feelings or try to change the situation into our favor. We can begin to interrupt the other or put words into their mouth. For me, I key on certain words, so I believe that is what my spouse has said. It is easy for me to think she said something that just was not said, because I was not fully engaged in listening.

Rule 11: Time and Place Matter

Be cognizant of your surroundings. The mall may not be the best place to have a heated discussion. I know for my self, I like to take care of things right then and there. Yet your spouse may need to cry or go pray. It is ok to hold off on discussing things until you are in a better location, or time.

Ecclesiastes 3:7 states “a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak”

Conclusion:

By working on the little things we have mentioned my hope is that there the big things are diminished. At the end of our fights, we always state the decision or direction, or what caused the argument, (not allowing it to continue) and tell each what we will try to work on so that this doesn’t happen again. For example “I will try not to jump to conclusions when you ask me to do the dishes. This allows both of you to come away with want you want each other to work on, or even better start with your self.

Disagreements are a natural course of being married. Each of are two individual with their own opinions, feelings and experiences. By following these rules, the hope is that your fights will lead to a more open and fair communication style. Please do not be afraid to fight. By avoiding fighting about the small stuff, you will only let things simmer and then you will fight about the big things. I hope this has shown you that the word fight does not need to have a bad connotation and that one can have a fight, get what they want and still have a harmonious relationship at the end.

By Greg Vaughn

Rule 3: Look behind the words, so that you do not react to the wrong issue

It is easy for us to react to the word or tone used when in a fight. If your spouse rolls their eyes or says something in a tone you do like, it can be easy for you to focus on this instead of the real issues at hand. When one is upset, one does not always choose the appropriate words. Again it is easy to get side tracked on the words used and not the real issue.

This goes for the one who is expressing anger.  Much of communication is not what we communicate, but how we communicate it. Tone, body language and expressions play an important part in what is received by the other person.

Rule 4: Ask for clarification and restate the issue.

There have been many fights started because I have misheard my wife or assumed something that was not true. Your spouse will appreciate you, if you simply ask what they said. For me, I have poor hearing in my left ear, so I tell my spouse, “I heard blank, Is that what you said?” This way I am also restating the conversation so that there is no mistake.

Another common mistake I used to make with my wife is assuming since we talked about something, we decided on it. For example, we often talk about our plans for the weekend.  Yet when Saturday rolls around, I assume that what we had discussed is what we are doing. My wife will say that we had not decided, but only discussed it. One should never assume the intentions of your spouse. If you do not know of what has been decide, ask. When you restate things, try to be as specific as possible. It is amazing how many fights start because of little details.

If you aspire to see where the other person is coming from and seek to understand their point of view, then the both of you can come to a mutual agreement.    You can accomplish this by two ways. They both involve active listening skills. They are asking for clarification, such as are you talking about (blank) or by asking “Is this what you are asking?” By asking for clarification or restating her quest you are making sure the two of you are on the same page. By understanding their point, you will go a long ways to diffusing a tense situation

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” Romans 12:9-21

This scripture commands us to be patient with each other. This means it may take a few times for each of you to see the other’s view. You may not agree but you will understand where they are coming from. You can then validate their experience; such as “I can see how you would come to that conclusion” This takes gentleness and kindness not to appear condescending.

Your spouse may have to take a few tries to get what they are saying, correct. One needs to look behind the words and not react to the wrong issue, if at first it does not come out right. You two can laugh about it later.  It is good to too much communication as opposed to too little.

Rule 5: No absolutes or inflammatory words

When faced with a disagreement, the goal should not be to be right, but to be righteous in your opinion. The term for this is call called sore winner. You won the argument by  browbeating your spouse into submission to get your point across.  This will only lead to heartache and hardship. Using absolutes such as: “You always” “We never” and “You’re totally” is not only humiliating but it is also lying. For example, If you told your husband, “You never pick up your socks”, You are declaring that not once in your married life has he done that. This can make him feel like there is no pleasing you. It can be aggravating to the spouse, because they are being accused of not being good enough for you. It can be easy for some of us to assume the worst. Your spouse may say I would like it if you did the dishes more often. We must be patient and humble while they express this. You may be tempted to think “I do them all the time, they are ungrateful”. When in reality your spouse is asking you to wash off the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher.

In our minds it may seem that your spouse never does what you ask, yet if you take a step back and look at it, there is always something to compliment them on or be encouraged about. They do the dishes maybe not as often as you like, and this is ok to bring up, but refrain from using the using the words “You always”,” We never” and “You’re totally” This will only serve to antagonize your spouse.

If you are the spouse doing the asking, adding kindness to your request will go along way. For the example above you may say “Sweetie, I appreciate when you the dishes, it makes me feel that you take care of things, In that spirit, can you rinse off the plates before you put them in the dishwasher”. Please be patient with them as they might not get it right the first time.

By Greg Vaughn

Rule 1: Satan is the Enemy,  Not Your Spouse!

In Ephesians 6, Paul talks about getting angry and not sinning. Is this possible? Surely when I get angry I sin. 2

5So put away all falsehood and “tell your neighbor the truth” because we belong to each other. 26And “don’t sin by letting anger gain control over you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27for anger gives a mighty foothold to the Devil. (New Living Translation)

I like this translation because it offered me a couple of insights not found in the NIV. The first says tell the truth because your spouse belongs to you. I find this hard when it comes to my desires, because I would rather get my own way, then to ask my wife for a compromise. James writes about this.

“1Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves.” James 4:1 The Message.

Satan wants us to fight with each other. His goal is to destroy the bonds that tie you together. A house divided cannot stand, and a marriage that is divided will fail. Satan uses anger, desire and selfishness as tools to cause us to fight with each other.   By staying together you can focus on the common enemy and not each other. By telling the truth to each other you can take away a powerful tool of Satan’s.

This means that you cannot recruit people to your side. As Christians, we have people in our lives to help us. It can be very easy to dump on them your problems or disparage your spouse in an attempt to get them on your side. The goals is not gang up on each other, or have them fight for you by proxy. If you need to get others involved, please check your motives. You want to grow not prove your right.

Rule 2: Slow to anger/ Get a grip

And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness,
Exodus 34:5-7

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…
James 1:18-20

The second insight I get from the passage in Ephesians, is that anger can be controlled. Over and over there are examples of God being slow to anger. He has set the example for us to follow and commands us. It is understandable to be upset at your spouse for things, they have done or about a situation that has disturbed you. The key is not to take it out on your spouse. One way to put this into practice is to recognize what patterns that you or your spouse can fall into.

It is important to recognize how your spouse responds when they are upset. Some will need time to themselves, some will need to vent and some do not know why they are upset. When in the middle of fight, it may be necessary to ask for a time out. This serves a few different purposes. One is that give both of you some time to calm down and collect your thoughts. Also one of you may need to process what you are feeling. This is called by some going to your cave. It is an idea that is found in the book “Men are Mars, Women are from Venus” It is the idea that we do not always know what we are feeling, and that we may need some time to process what is going on. It may be going for a walk, playing a video game or indulging in your favorite hobby. If you feel like this is you, then you need to assure your spouse that you are willing to work things out but you need some time to yourself.

If you are someone who is known to fly of the handle, then you may say something in heat of the moment that you regret. It is better to take break, tell your spouse that you need a few moments to collect yourself. For me, I do not always understand why I am mad, just the fact that I am upset. Often my wife will leave me alone for an hour to let me sort out my thoughts and process my feelings. In guy talk this is called “going to the cave”. You may need to go out and expend some energy. Two things to keep in mind. One, let your spouse know of intentions, (ex,” I cant talk about it now, I will be at the batting cages and when I return in an hour, we can talk”) This tells the spouse of your intentions, and what time you are returning. Two, make sure you come back when you say. You do not want to go to the bar just to avoid your spouse and try to wait the situation out. It is never a good idea.

Some spouses will need to vent. They may not want you to solve the problem, but just to listen. Their anger may not be directed at you. Here, you have to be quick to listen and not take things so personally. Your spouse may have had a bad day or is upset at something else. If you find yourself in this situation, you need to tell yourself that it is not you they are mad at. Spouses need to assure the other one, that you are not upset at them, and clearly indicate what you are upset at. This will go a long way in reassuring them, and making them more receptive to listening to you. After your spouse vents, they will be willing to talk and resolve things. If you cannot handle the venting, suggest that they talk to a good friend.

For my wife, she does not always know how to process her emotions, so I ask here questions, in a non patronizing manner, to help her eliminate possibilities and narrow her thoughts. If you have a spouse like this you must be patient and not to take things personally, though the temptation will be great. An example of a fight we had early on was about my cooking, my wife could not tell me what is was though, so I asked the following:

Wife: “You don’t know how to cook”

Me: “Is there something specific about my cooking you do not like?”

Wife: “I don’t know”

Me: “Is it something I do?”

Wife: “I don’t like your chicken”

Me: “What specifically about the chicken you do not like?

Wife: “It is too salty”

There have been times when none of these options work. There is something on our hearts that we are out of touch with. In these cases you must call a time out and pray.

If you do not know why you are upset or a hard heart, pray separately. Ask God to help you indentify the issue, or to soften you your heart. Then come together and pray. When you pray, one needs to watch the motive in you pray.   Praying  “God, help Bill see why he is wrong” is not a great heart.  This will only serve to antagonize Bill and retaliate in his prayers. Instead be sincere, and pray about revealing your heart, your spouses heart, and what you can both work on. The goal here is reconciliation not revenge.

We all have heard the axiom, “Do not go to bed angry” from our parents and grandparents. This is based on scriptures and should be followed. This is difficult at times. If it is 3 am and you have to get up early, do you keep working on finding a solution? I suggest you get to a point where you can agree to disagree and feel good about it. Make sure you set a time and place when you are more rested to discuss the issue that was brought up. The goal here is to feel good about each other when you are in bed together.

Bedtime is not a good time to bring up issues you want to discuss. Often your spouse will sleepy and may not be in the right head. They can feel ambushed and defenseless. Pick a time during the day when your spouse is not distracted and can focus.

By Greg Vaughn

Ask any married couple, what they need to work on, and most if not all will say communication. Ask how they are working on it, and they become dumbfounded as to what you mean. Most people have this idea that communication is a panacea for what ails their marriage. There is not one solution when it comes to improving your communication. There are many facets to communication, and this article will focus on one of the bigger items. Fighting, that is how to express your opinions and disagreements in a spiritual and non destructive way.

The question then becomes can you be upset and not in sin? Or is it a sin to fight?  Blaine Smith has this to say:

“But how, then, does Paul’s counsel to be angry but not sin reconcile with Jesus’ teaching on anger in the Sermon on the Mount? Here it’s important to note what Jesus says and what he doesn’t. He doesn’t say that the person who is angry is being judged as sinning, but that he is “liable to judgment.” Liable. He or she is at a highly vulnerable point–a hair’s breadth, perhaps, from doing something rash. But this is different from saying that this person is sinning simply by feeling angry. This point is well-captured by Vernon Grounds in his Emotional Problems and the Gospel:

Does our Lord mean that a mere feeling of anger is no different from the actual crime of murder? He can scarcely mean . . . that. No, He is reminding us, rather, of what can happen if an angry feeling is allowed to fester in our minds.

Jesus’ point, then, isn’t that anger is a sinful emotion but a dangerous one. When we examine the New Testament thoroughly on the point, in fact, we never find it condemning any emotion as sinful in itself. It’s always the action which proceeds from an emotion that is judged sinful. Again, “Be angry but do not sin.

Growing up in my family, the only way to be heard was to be loudest, or throw something to get someone’s attention. I saw firsthand how this destroyed my parent’s marriage of thirty years. For most of those years, they were miserable, sleeping in different rooms, not having a way to effectively communicate what they needed from each other or even how express a difference of opinion. Now you may not be to this point yet in your marriage, yet you might be able to empathize here. Do you feel you cannot share an opinion without the other one “jumping on you”, do you feel you cannot communicate your needs effectively, Do small things escalate quickly into big things, quickly? I do not have a magic pill for you, only what I have learned over the last ten years with my wife and the scriptures.

This way of communicating will not happen overnight, and each of you will become frustrated at times. The goal is to replace the destructive ways you communicate in your marriage and replace them with a more mature spiritual way.   The scriptures say “Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” Prov. 16:3. God wants us to have better marriages and wants to bless it.

There is a common analogy of the husband and wife when they married. It goes that a woman is like the missing rib in relation to a man. Eve was formed out of Adam so in a way, she completes him. Whether or not you agree with this, you could definitely say that men and women are vastly different.  This is based on the scripture

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. ²¹ So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. ²² Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

²³ The man said,
“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”

I have a different take on the rib thing. If you read the next verse.

²⁴ For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh

It describes how Adam and Eve become one. Personally, I think that they became something better than each one by themselves. They become a “we,” that is a new creation. With each one contributing strengths and weaknesses. This is something to keep in mind when talking with your spouse. It is not “You” versus “Them,” It is you versus the issue. It is the new team versus Satan.

In metal working, if you want to make a sword, you first sit down and write out what attributes you want for it, strength, heft, sharpness and so on.   There is no one metal that has all these qualities. So the Forger, will take two or metals and melt them down, remove the impurities and forge a new piece. The sword may not look like the original materials, but it takes on the qualities of both without losing its identity.

If you can simply take this view that you are a team, you will have already solved many of the issues that married couples face. Each of you have a different view, and experience. Maybe you grew up with out money, so you want to save for the future Your spouse grew up with a lot, a spends a lot or does not care about saving but living life in the now. This is common scenario. If you see yourselves as a team, you can bring those experiences together and share them with each other. Together you can learn to live a little while saving for the future.

Many of us have learned our communications skills when it comes to marriage from our own parents. Either we embrace their style or say to ourselves, “I will never be like that” only to swing to the complete opposite. The key to this issue is identifying how you and how your spouse each fights.

I remember a huge fight we had when we were first married. We were at a fabric store looking for a couch cover. She had asked me a simple question “She held up a bed sheet and asked me if I liked the color. I responded that it was the wrong application of the product and that it would never work for our couch. If I had stopped and listened to her, all she wanted to know was did I like the color? This little incident ended with the words “You never listen to me” It was a long silent ride home. The thing I learned that day is every one communicates in different ways. Both of our parents were screamers, they would yell and throw things at each other. We each have told ourselves we will never to be like that. So instead we become quite and let things stew. To us, we were not fighting, because we wanted to avid yelling at each other. It took another couple to show us, that by being silent we were still hurting each other, and not expressing our true feelings.

As married we must identify how we express anger. Some of us tend to explode in huge fits of rage then we are ok. Some like to stuff things inside and hope it goes away. Others let things stew only to reappear weeks or months later. Think of an old fashion cartoon bomb, Now ask yourself how long is your fuse ( that is how much does it take to push you over the edge)? How fast does your fuse burn (quick to anger, slow)? And how big is the explosion, (fit of rage, little explosions for a long time)?

For my wife, she has a really long fuse, that is she is very patient with me, but she can get very upset. For me, I am not as patient as her, but I get over things quicker. Not that one is better, that is just how we were made.

Once you identify how you deal with anger and identify how each of you fight you can then begin to address issues you have and begin to focus on having a fight that is both fair and not end in anger. My wife and I have come up with rule for us when we need to discuss an issue, hurt, or difference of opinion. In the weeks to follow we will share them with you. So come back next week!

I was born in Japan, raised bi-culturally in both countries, and

Mari Robinson

Buddhist by default. My mother is Japanese and my father Native American.

For 12 years I worked with recording artist signed to RCA/Arista Records and the company relocated me to a position in their New York headquarter office.  New York – New York!  If you can make it here you can make it anywhere!  Right??  Well actually, God had other plans for me while in New York. Something more than the limos, working with celebrities, and running my own department from 37^thfloors above Times Square.  God had plans for me that I knew nothing about.

After over a year of studying the bible with disciples, I was baptized in the Daytimers Ministry of Manhattan.  A ministry full of working Broadway performers, choreographers, principle dancers, actors and the like, devoted to putting God first.  I needed that motley crew of hearts to relate to my slightly bizarre, right brain leaning, sinful self.  The church at that time was 13,000 strong, and it impressed me that that many people were committed to purity, committed to sharing their faith, committed to living as disciples in such a fast paced city. Steve and Lisa Johnson led our region and Lisa was a fireball of inspiration. She recently spoke at Seattle’s Women’s Day event and I was reminded of the foundation she helped me lay for my faith, perseverance and deep-rooted convictions.

The Johnsons taught us 2 Corinthians 6:17 which urges us to be in the world but not of it, to use our performing talents for God yet to be separate, Godly examples.  For me, Lisa’s heart for the lost was contagious.  I loved the joy I’d receive from sharing my faith and watching people get baptized, serving HOPE in the projects of Harlem, and learning how to deny myself when New York had so many worldly things to offer.  Instead of submitting to my drug addiction, the New York Church’s Chemical Recovery program helped me to submit to a spiritual drug-free life.  Instead of hating the man that beat and raped me, the Church’s Sexual Abuse group taught me to forgive those who have wronged me.  Instead of entertaining my depression, the Emotional Recovery ministry taught me to dig deeper into the scriptures to keep my depression at bay.  It took many sisters, many loving long hours to help me.  But that is what I am most grateful for.  God foremost, yet also the disciples who invested time in me and loved me.  They denied themselves time and time again to help me, in many many ways.  God prepared me for future challenges that were to come.

Over the years, nothing has broken my heart more than to have cared for both my precious parents and to have watched them slowly, ever so slowly, slip away.  Will the pain ever lessen from  watching my father  pronounced dead?  Will the pain ever lessen from watching my mother gasp her last breath?  Linda Brumley says it gets better over time.  Thank God for Linda Brumley!  Thank God for the older, yes, older, disciples!  They have lived life and guide us with much wisdom from scripture as well as their invaluable life experiences.

I need disciples.  We all need disciples in our lives to help us “get it”.  That’s why I am committed to investing my time into others.  So many people have invested their time and love into me to help me grow spiritually over the years.  I can even name one man who died for me.  I am grateful for Jesus’ self denial to give me his gift of grace, and a new life, much more amazing and heaven bound than the path I had originally chose.  I encourage us all to invest in others, as Jesus did.