Love and Relationship

 

To have love for someone must there also be relationship? Is relationship necessary to maintain feelings of love?  Can love manifest itself simply from biological connection?   I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately as I’ve been challenged in more than a few relationships.  Surely Jesus had to decide how to prioritize the time and effort he invested in his relationships.  During his time on earth he took on the same human limitations that faced us all.  We also see first century disciples making hard decisions when it came to those they loved.

 

It’s a complex thing for sure.  The idea and emotion of love means many things to people.  To me, it means a deep emotional, affectionate attachment to someone or in terms of my relationship with my husband Steve, it also carries romantic and sexual connotations as well.  But for the purposes of this article, I’d like to stick with the affectionate attachment definition.

 

Relationship to me implies a connectedness, communication and give & take.

 

In the Message Bible, Paul says in his letter to the Christians in Corinth regarding ‘The Way of Love’;

 

‘Love never gives up.

Love cares for others more than for self.

Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.

Love doesn’t strut.

Doesn’t have a swelled head,

Doesn’t force itself on others,

Isn’t always “me first”,

Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn’t revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of the truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.’ – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

 

 

That’s a lot to live up to; and what about those difficult relationships?  What are the deal breakers in your relationships?  For me, it’s lying.  I have a hard time coming back to love after that.  Maybe for you it’s unreliability or extreme anger.  We all have something.  What about those people that are in your life that just rub you the wrong way?  Those that have severed your trust many times over?  Those that you want to love, but have a hard time being  around?  Or those that you really don’t trust yourself with or feel emotionally safe?  How do you love them?  Jesus says we’re to even love our enemies?  Really?!?  And what does that look like?

 

I think this is where the boundaries of relationship come into play. When I look again at what Paul wrote, he draws quite a few lines when it comes to what the give & take of love should look like; what it means for a relationship.   ‘Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have’ – love doesn’t deal in petty jealousies.  Love, ‘Doesn’t force itself on others’ – love wants acceptance but doesn’t demand it.  ”Love doesn’t keep score”.   A great example of drawing lines in relationships happens in Acts 15, where there is a sharp disagreement going on between Paul and Barnabas over whether John Mark should travel with them.  So great was the dispute that they eventually parted ways.  The Bible never clarifies who was right or wrong – but what impresses me most is that Paul speaks with great esteem of both Barnabas and Mark in later letters.  In love, he did not force himself or his opinion on others, he didn’t keep score.  While at the time the only solution seemed to be separation, love remained. Have you ever had someone say they’ve forgiven you, but every time there’s some new offense they verbally add it to the pile?  ’You always…’ or ‘you never…’  Love, shown to us by Paul, always looks for the best, never looks back.

 

Jesus, of course, was the ultimate in setting the standard throughout his ministry for what a relationship should look like that is rooted in love.  One of the best examples of this is Jesus’ conversation with the rich young man in the Gospel of Mark:

As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. “Good teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

“Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. You know the commandments: ‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, you shall not defraud, honor your father and mother.’

“Teacher,” he declared, “all these I have kept since I was a boy.”

Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!”    Mark 10:17-23

 

The Bible says that Jesus looked at him and loved him.  He ‘got’ this guy; he saw his struggle and his heart.  Yet he did not run after him when he went away sad.  Jesus didn’t stress out with the fact that people might have a hard time coming to terms with who he was and what the expectations of a relationship with him would entail.

 

When lines are repeatedly crossed in a relationship and attempts to speak the truth in love are rebuffed, perhaps the relationship unfortunately should scaled back so that love can remain. Perhaps it is time to consider that while you still love that person, you can no longer allow the negative affects of their sin in your relationship or in your life.  It is not giving up, but loving the person to point that you would sacrifice aspects of the relationship so that neither party becomes a victim of it.  In the end what you are doing is protecting them from sinning against you further and protecting yourself.  It’s a difficult thing for sure and you can constantly second guess whether you have made the right decision. But these kind of healthy boundaries can be healing for both parties.   Perseverance is key and seeking advice should always be part of the process especially when emotions are high.

 

So sometimes what a person needs in order to grow is less relationship. A perfect example of this would be church discipline which can result in disfellowship.   Feeling the pain that sin has caused and being outside the body of believers can make one acutely see their need for God and for spiritual growth.  In a completely different way, I also see it in my relationship with my kids.  We’ve all seen/been those ‘helicopter’ parents.  And I’ve had my moments of guilting my kids into being a certain way for my benefit.  The guilt gene runs rampant on my side of the family!   But I have noticed as they have gotten older, that the more I let go, stop forcing my insecurities on them, the more they grow and mature emotionally and spiritually.  Does that mean I love them any less – absolutely not!

 

While we’re on the subject of biological love, does family equal love?  I know we all want to shout a resounding, ‘Yes!’  But when you mix in relationship, the truth is much stickier.  Familial relationships can be built on experiences of love, happiness, and fun that are more often than not mixed with pain, guilt, hurt and bitterness.  As we get older, time and distance put a strain on the relationship.   Sometimes again, but certainly not always, familial relationships must be scaled to a healthy level and boundary lines must be drawn so that love can remain.  I love my family to death, I mean how can I not?  They are my family!  But at the same time, they are my family!  The amount of relationship that is sustained varies greatly from person to person.  I wish it didn’t, I wish they were all easy.   But does family equal love?  I’d have to say unequivocally, yes.

 

And loving your enemy?  Again, yes, one can, because loving in this case, does not imply relationship – only love.  Matthew 5:44 says to “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you”.  You can want the best for someone, without expectation of relationship, without recording their wrongs.  God help us, but it’s possible.

 

In the end, love by God’s design is pretty amazing.  I’m so grateful as I continue to build my relationship with Him that his “perfect love drives out all fear” (1 John 4:18) making it the most amazing fusion of love and relationship there is.

On Friday, September 23rd our group set sail out of Seattle for a three night cruise instead of our traditional marriage retreat. We didn’t know what to expect afloat with a group of 88 aboard Holland America’s Amsterdam.

We spent three unforgettable nights enriching our marriages with great teaching from Scott and Lynne Green, eating gourmet food and enjoying world class accommodations. Everyone we talked to wished the cruise was longer. There was something for everyone to enjoy on boat or ashore in Victoria. Photo is of David & Racquel Folchi and Scott & Lisa Lewis enjoying high tea at the Empress Hotel in Victoria.

I think this may become a Seattle Church of Christ tradition.

I start thinking about Christmas right after Halloween. One of the biggest reasons is that I love Christmas music and wish it could be played all year. There are so many great classic songs that eloquently tell the story of little baby Jesus and the impact he has had on us all. One song in particular has been going through my mind: “Mary Did You Know?” Let me share the lyrics with you and then explain why I’ve been thinking about it.

Mary, did you know that your baby boy would someday walk on water?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you’ve delivered will soon deliver you.

Mary did you know what your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will calm the storm with his hand?
Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little baby, you’ve kissed the face of God.

Mary did you know that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will one day rule the nations?
Did you know that your baby boy is heaven’s perfect Lamb?
This sleeping child you’re holding is the Great I AM.

Having been a parent the last nearly 5 years, this song is particularly touching. Mary had no inkling that any of these things were true. Like me and my children, she simply held Jesus in her arms, fed him, burped him, and comforted him when he cried. And yet this is God himself, the Great I AM that she is holding and kissing. The idea of a poor girl nursing the future king of the universe is scary, inspiring, poignant.

If the first angel and a prophecy from Elizabeth weren’t enough, Mary received yet another clue when Simon prophesied to her at Jesus’ dedication at the temple. “This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too.” Simon was right… Mary was there at the cross and watched her son die a mere week after his popularity had hit an all-time high.

There is good reason to believe that Dr. Luke interviewed Mary herself when he wrote his Gospel. The next incident that he chronicles is Jesus spending three days in the temple questioning and learning from the teachers. After the family is reunited, Luke simply records, “Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart.”

To me, “Mary Did You Know?” is all about potential. Mary did not know any of the things that this song mentions. However, she raised Jesus in such a way that he was ready to begin his ministry at age 30 and start the greatest revolution the world has ever seen.

What potential do your kids have? What do they need from you in order to realize that potential? How does God want to use your children to change the world? I’m thinking about a new song entitled “Parent, did you know?” What are the possibilities you can imagine for your child?—they are rather endless. Roles that any child can grow into include a parent, a caregiver to you when you’re old, a hard worker, a Bible Talk leader, a servant to the poor, a friend and counselor to others, a disciple, an uncle/aunt, and a grandparent.

Based on the amount of time spent, what are you training your child to become? Typical parents today run themselves ragged trying to accommodate their children’s busy schedules: sports, music lessons, and other various activities. I encourage you to seriously consider the purpose of each and every activity. What is the likelihood that my child will become a professional in their current sport of interest (football, soccer, basketball, swimming, gymnastics, karate)? Some children literally are physically gifted and with the right training could be professional musicians or sports players. 1 in 10,000 or 100,000. But would you even want that sort of life for them?! Even more close to home, what child will become a professional video game player or TV viewer?

I’m not saying every child isn’t extraordinary, nor am I saying that talents should not be developed. I love playing and watching sports (especially basketball) as much as the next guy. But I’ve been asking myself, “how do I want to spend my time training my child with the ‘end in mind’? What do I ultimately want for my child?” I want my children to be hard workers with incredible servant hearts. I want them to have great people skills and be able to serve on a team. I want them to be able to put themselves aside and unselfishly serve their families, their church, the poor, and ultimately their God. I want them to discover and develop their talents and then put them to use in the Church.

This past weekend I took my family out and worked on a community cleanup project. I was struck by the eagerness, heart, and interest of my 4-year-old to help. She was an important member of the 3-person team we formed to do the cleanup. I realized that soccer is not the only way to provide my kids with a fun, team-oriented, physically challenging development activity. The community cleanup project provided all that and it bonded Jade even more closely to our family, whereas the time spent on soccer would have pulled her further away from the family.

A big point of growth for me is always making learning and development fun. God knew my hard-working German heritage needed some help, so he gave me a fun-loving wife! During the community project above, I stopped a little bit short of finishing it because my kids were sick and I did not want to exasperate them. The last thing I wanted was for Jade’s enthusiasm to be tainted by her father’s dictatorial “finish or else” approach. Hopefully she will develop a love for hard work and a desire to use this talent to serve God and others.

God hand-picked Mary for the amazing job of helping Jesus become the Savior, the Lamb of God who took away the sins of the World. I don’t think she had any special knowledge that we don’t have. She might not even have been able to read! Certainly we have much more money and resources than she did. I believe she was humble to God’s leading, followed the Bible as best she could, and offered herself day-by-day to the incredible task of raising her child.

God has hand-picked you to raise your child. Will they grow up to be like Jesus? Who is not overwhelmed by this task? Their destiny is in your hands—an incredible yet scary thought. Sometimes I feel like I need more parent training than my children need character training! Fortunately, we have God’s Word and we have one another in the Church to help our children.

I encourage you to reconsider each of your child’s activities and the purpose behind it. What values do you want to instill in your child? What are your top priorities? What is your vision for their life? What sort of faith do you want your great-grandchildren to have? All these things will guide your choices in the here-and-now.

Ultimately, it is not the job of the teen worker to convert your child. It is not the job of the Kids Kingdom workers to teach your children the Bible. It is your responsibility to develop your child’s character, educate them about the Bible, and engrain the Gospel messages of grace, forgiveness, repentance, and God’s love in their heart. When the time comes, rather than being a radical departure from their current life, the decision to become a disciple will simply be a few more steps along the path they have already been traveling down for years.

Forty years from now, I hope you will look back and say, “Parent did you know?” God has incredible plans to use you to raise godly offspring that he can use to change the course of the whole world!